Journal+7

Kaitlyn Doyle Mrs. Detwiler Honors English I 14 April 2011 Facing Reality

“Family is the most important thing. Make quality time with them, because you can’t get that time back. While you’re there, you have to appreciate it.” (Doyle).

Coming home from work that day, Tracy didn’t think anything would be different. Little did she know, her life would be turned upside down when she went inside her house. When she opened the door, she looked for her father. She found him dead, on the bathroom floor. Tracy called 911, and then had to call her mother who was at work. She was scared and shocked as well.

A few months earlier, her father had gone to the doctor with a cold, and had been told he had pneumonia. Later, her father had been diagnosed with Bronchial Cancer six months previous to his death, and had received Chemotherapy treatment. The doctors had told Tracy and her mother that he would only live for about six months.

Bronchial cancer is a type of lung cancer that affects the bronchial tubes. This cancer develops as a tumor in the Bronchi, but can extend to other areas as well. But even with treatment, the cancer can return (Boelcke).

For most people, the death of a parent can be terrible. It is one of the most challenging and devastating things that can happen. It was for Tracy. Even though she wasn’t a young child, she was still mortified to lose her father, whom she was extremely close to. “I felt sad, scared and lonely. We were a close family. We’d watch sports and play games together.” Tracy says. People may feel shocked at first and not know what to think. They may say to themselves why me? and this can’t be happening. Adolescents may not believe it actually happened. And, depending how the death occurred, the adolescent could be more or less accepting.

After the loss of a parent, the adolescent may be feeling so many emotions, it could be unbearable. The emotions could come in a variety of differences too. Adolescents might feel so sad that they just want to get away from the world, and not want to speak or see anyone or do anything. They might not want to leave the house and go anywhere, just be alone with the memories and thoughts of the parent (Alspaugh).

Death isn’t a grief issue. It’s an identity issue, an existential issue. (Oder) There are commonly four stages of grieving, but there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The first step is usually shock and numbness. The second stage is denial and disbelief. Next are most likely anger, and lastly, acceptance (Oder).

Some examples of these stages can be found in Tracy’s life after her father had died. For shock and numbness, when Tracy first found her father, she called 911 and her mother. After, she called her vet to cancel an appointment she had made for today. Tracy didn’t really grasp what all had happened. Denial, Tracy just said to herself this can’t be happening. She is a Christian, and asked herself why God chose to take her father, whom she cared so much for. An example of anger was also her anger towards God for taking her father away from her. Acceptance would be the fact that her father was gone and wasn’t coming back. She had to face the reality, and it wasn’t easy for her. (Doyle)

Tracy said she had cried herself to sleep every night for about a year. Tracy’s mother also went through these phases. She had lost a husband, and Tracy had lost a father. This wasn’t something that would go away in a few hours. When Tracy, Tracy’s mother, and her brother went to look for a coffin for her father, her mother was willing to spend so much money for something which he would be buried in, when he wouldn’t even see what he was being buried in. Her mother was in denial from the experience. (Doyle)

Friends may get on an adolescent’s nerves, because they don’t know what else to say besides I’m so sorry. They could also feel embarrassed because if they bring it up, the adolescent will get upset and cry. If someone is being over-comforting, ask him or her to stop (Alspaugh). Tracy's friends were okay with the death of her dad and they were there for her in her time of need. Though, if they brought up her dad, she got upset because he was gone (Doyle).

The mourning process can be prevented from taking its natural course by the conscious or unconscious of the individual’s grief. Adult grief can be impairment of functioning, distress, and a predictable clinical course (Alspaugh). Even for Tracy, her father's death was something she would have to face, but she never really did anything about it. She let grief take it's course by remembering her father and getting on with life because he was gone. It was hard, but she knew she would have to get over it eventually and not spend her life angry and depressed (Doyle).

Healing from such a tragic event can take months, years, or even a lifetime. It all depends on the individual (Oder). Although death can affect the adolescent right then and there, it can also affect them later in life too, if not given the proper attention or enough grief support and opportunity to express their pain (Walker). If a teenager’s grief isn’t expressed, he or she may feel deep frustration and anger. The adolescent could take the anger out on someone else, begin having nightmares, or become depressed (Alspaugh).

Even though Tracy was able to accept her father’s death, she still misses him. “You always feel like your parents will be there for you. And because he’s no longer here, I felt like I had to take care of myself. I didn’t have a person who has years of experience to help guide me later on in life.” says Tracy, who had to deal with the loss of her father, a divorce, and raising a family by herself. The death of a parent in adolescent years can leave a teen struggling to cope with life. Frequently, it results in depression and teens can ultimately feel liberated and driven to self-reliance (Walker).

Some of the healthy acceptance signs are writing in a journal. It can be good to get out some emotions. Psychologists recommend writing a letter to a deceased parent as a way of feeling connected to them (Alspaugh). Having the support of friends can also give someone company so they don’t feel alone all the time. Education and support can make grief bearable. Reading books on the topic may let adolescents know what other kids are feeling like in a similar situation to their own (Bell). Unhealthy signs are using alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, or engaging in self-mutilation (Walker).

It is definitely okay to cry. In fact crying can help. Cry with a family member, it can be beneficial. Don’t wait for permission to express feelings about the death of a parent. An adolescent may want to look at a parent’s belongings, and this is normal. Some may not want anything to do with items at first, but later they might go through them. Picking a beloved item, or any item that belonged to the deceased parent can give a child a way to hold onto the parent. Getting involved in the funeral can be comforting for some, but only as much as they can handle (Alspaugh).

A good way to talk to others can be joining a support group, so kids won’t feel alone, and they will have a place to voice their feelings, or concerns (Bell). Teens may confide or find help for their grief outside their home (Alspaugh). They can talk to family, coaches, or even guidance counselors.

Earlier that day, Tracy’s dog, a Bichon Frise named Chelsea, had been following her father around all morning. Tracy described it as if Chelsea had known that today her very own father would pass. Chelsea had followed her father everywhere, even the bathroom. After the death of her father, Tracy’s dog Chelsea would not enter the bathroom, where Tracy found her father, after that extremely mournful day (Doyle).

“Through all the pain, grief and confusion carry the knowledge that if you survive this, you can survive anything” (Alspaugh).